Rambling # 1

Well, I'm tentatively stepping back in to blogging (sorta). I don't know how often I'll be blogging, I don't know how long it will last. I guess I'll blog only when I have something to say. At any rate... The topic du jour of late seems to be ex-Muslims leaving Islam and blogging about it (1, 2, 3. And no I'm not going to speculate on who said Ex-Muslims may or may not be. Nor will I link to the said ex-Muslim blogs. I (though I hate admitting this) spent much of last night reading said ex-Muslim blogs (even though I originally said I'd not do this), and though I didn't feel "a weakness in my Iman" or anything like that, I actually just felt empty, and kinda upset with myself that I wasted my time reading that.

And it's not that some valid issues weren't discussed, because I think they were. However, I'm not quite sure how to put my finger on it, not quite sure how to say what I'm trying to get out. I just found myself asking what is Islam and what is culture, because it seemed like sometimes the ex-Muslim blog I was reading kinda confounded the two? And again, as I've asked before, what is the "ideal" and what is reality as regards Islam, because many times there is a huge difference between the two.

I've had many times where the "ideal" I was presented with in the introductory material regarding Islam and Muslims in many cases didn't fit the "reality" of how Islam is practiced in many places and among Muslims. And that can be a real shock/slap in the face to someone coming into Islam. But personally I've kinda chocked that up to my own naivete, my own expectation that "Muslims would be better", or "Muslims will be just like the people I read about in the pamphlets", etc., rather than some inherent fault within Islam or with Muslims themselves. And perhaps that's why I'm still a Muslim, and still strive to practice Islam to the best of my ability. Because I recognize that Islam is perfect but Muslims aren't, and please forgive the cliche. We have problems in our community, and some are working to solve them, and unfortunately, many are not.

The problem, though, in reading these sorts of blogs for me is that it "creates doubt" (which is at least one ex-Muslim blogger's stated intention, or seems to be anyway), but for me, it's not "creating doubt" in the sense of me doubting my Islam, but it's exaserbating things I'm already struggling with like...

Am I a bad Muslim because I use a dog guide? Am I a bad Muslim because I listen to music? Am I a bad Muslim woman because I see nothing wrong in holding a casual conversation with an unrelated man (and I mean in a public place, with people around)? Am I a bad Muslim woman because I've reacted strongly to being told that I can't travel by myself without a related man? Or because I'm uncomfortable with the fact that the man has the absolute right of divorce (and women don't), or that I'm uncomfortable with how polygamy is practiced in some places? Am I a bad Muslim because I watch TV? Watch football (American)? Watch basketball? Used to watch soap operas (I used to love the Young and the Restless actually). Am I more talkative, outgoing, outspoken than a Muslim woman should be? Am I "too much into the dunya" or do I "not want to give up my jahili ways"? Because I still celebrate Thanksgiving, or because I still go to movies or listen to the radio or music or watch TV, or any number of things that I used to do and still do as a Muslim. What can I still do as a Muslim and still be a good Muslim?

Can I still listen to Youssou Ndour, Baba Maal, Toumani Diabate? Bob Marley? Peter Tosh? Staind? Kansas? Have I not conquered my nafs enough?

And I could go on and on and on. Which is why reading these sorts of blogs just isn't good for me. I'm already prone to self-doubt, and self-questioning as it is. But not only this, I just think there's a better way to deal with the very real issues addressed on these blogs than, well, the way they are being addressed. I just feel more sad than anything else, though as I said, I can't quite put my finger on why exactly.

And this is the problem with blogging. I know what I wanna say, it's just not coming out right. And even if I tried audioblogging, I'd just ramble on for hours at a time and still end up making no sense.