Well, I'm tentatively stepping back in to blogging (sorta). I don't know how often I'll be blogging, I don't know how long it will last. I guess I'll blog only when I have something to say. At any rate... The topic du jour of late seems to be ex-Muslims leaving Islam and blogging about it (1, 2, 3. And no I'm not going to speculate on who said Ex-Muslims may or may not be. Nor will I link to the said ex-Muslim blogs. I (though I hate admitting this) spent much of last night reading said ex-Muslim blogs (even though I originally said I'd not do this), and though I didn't feel "a weakness in my Iman" or anything like that, I actually just felt empty, and kinda upset with myself that I wasted my time reading that.
And it's not that some valid issues weren't discussed, because I think they were. However, I'm not quite sure how to put my finger on it, not quite sure how to say what I'm trying to get out. I just found myself asking what is Islam and what is culture, because it seemed like sometimes the ex-Muslim blog I was reading kinda confounded the two? And again, as I've asked before, what is the "ideal" and what is reality as regards Islam, because many times there is a huge difference between the two.
I've had many times where the "ideal" I was presented with in the introductory material regarding Islam and Muslims in many cases didn't fit the "reality" of how Islam is practiced in many places and among Muslims. And that can be a real shock/slap in the face to someone coming into Islam. But personally I've kinda chocked that up to my own naivete, my own expectation that "Muslims would be better", or "Muslims will be just like the people I read about in the pamphlets", etc., rather than some inherent fault within Islam or with Muslims themselves. And perhaps that's why I'm still a Muslim, and still strive to practice Islam to the best of my ability. Because I recognize that Islam is perfect but Muslims aren't, and please forgive the cliche. We have problems in our community, and some are working to solve them, and unfortunately, many are not.
The problem, though, in reading these sorts of blogs for me is that it "creates doubt" (which is at least one ex-Muslim blogger's stated intention, or seems to be anyway), but for me, it's not "creating doubt" in the sense of me doubting my Islam, but it's exaserbating things I'm already struggling with like...
Am I a bad Muslim because I use a dog guide? Am I a bad Muslim because I listen to music? Am I a bad Muslim woman because I see nothing wrong in holding a casual conversation with an unrelated man (and I mean in a public place, with people around)? Am I a bad Muslim woman because I've reacted strongly to being told that I can't travel by myself without a related man? Or because I'm uncomfortable with the fact that the man has the absolute right of divorce (and women don't), or that I'm uncomfortable with how polygamy is practiced in some places? Am I a bad Muslim because I watch TV? Watch football (American)? Watch basketball? Used to watch soap operas (I used to love the Young and the Restless actually). Am I more talkative, outgoing, outspoken than a Muslim woman should be? Am I "too much into the dunya" or do I "not want to give up my jahili ways"? Because I still celebrate Thanksgiving, or because I still go to movies or listen to the radio or music or watch TV, or any number of things that I used to do and still do as a Muslim. What can I still do as a Muslim and still be a good Muslim?
Can I still listen to Youssou Ndour, Baba Maal, Toumani Diabate? Bob Marley? Peter Tosh? Staind? Kansas? Have I not conquered my nafs enough?
And I could go on and on and on. Which is why reading these sorts of blogs just isn't good for me. I'm already prone to self-doubt, and self-questioning as it is. But not only this, I just think there's a better way to deal with the very real issues addressed on these blogs than, well, the way they are being addressed. I just feel more sad than anything else, though as I said, I can't quite put my finger on why exactly.
And this is the problem with blogging. I know what I wanna say, it's just not coming out right. And even if I tried audioblogging, I'd just ramble on for hours at a time and still end up making no sense.
Salaam Alaikum,
ReplyDeleteAaah, I feel like a bad blog reader, because I've been a bit slack of late and didn't realise you'd stopped.
Glad you are still blogging. Like you, I read the aforementioned blogs avidly, even though I promised myself I wouldn't and felt like I'd really wasted my time. I think it's because I'm a naturally curious person, for better or for worse.
Why someone leaves Islam is complex. I think a big thing is just to accept, is that, yes, people do leave Islam and it's not neccesarily because they are a terrible person. Maybe it was life events, or maybe they just stopped believing. It's their life and their choice.
I've said this before, but no, you are not a bad Muslim for any of those things. Being unkind, not helping others, those are things that make you a bad Muslim and deaden the heart.
Assalamu alaikum, Safiyya, I took my word press blogs down for now. I think I want to take my blogging in a different direction just not sure what yet, and I just went back go Blogger, well, just because, no particular reason other than it was there lol. And the email post feature seems to be a bit easier to use. Which might make me blog more lol. As I won't have to go to the blog site to do it. And I know rationally I'm not a bad Muslim, it's just that, well, as I said, it's my self-doubting side again lol.
ReplyDeleteSalam alaikum.
ReplyDeleteOn one of the "ex-convert" blogs there seem to be a quite clear split between two phases. The first, the period of disillusionment leading up to their anti-shahada, and the second, the more rationalising phase, which sets out everything that was wrong with Islam and Muslims.
I have to say that I found those early posts of the first phase quite helpful. Particularly, I might add, because I read them in tandem with the presumed author's old blog archive on WayBackMachine. Reading them together, in line like that seemed to give it all a context that was much more understandable.
The second phase was quite different and left a different feeling within. Disappointment and sadness, I suppose, describe my initial feelings best.
But more than that was the feeling that these were not the author's words. I don't mean that she did not sit down and write them herself. I mean that I had read all of that stuff previously, over a decade ago on the anti-Muslim websites I would read around the time of my shahada (both before and after). What I read on that blog was the fruit of her natural readings of other ex-Muslim and anti-Islam blogs --- the kind which I have also read periodically over the years.
I'm not questioning her sincerity in penning those pieces, merely saying that it did not effect me as it could have done because I had covered all that ground already, when I was transitioning in the other direction, from atheism to a cautious belief in God.
But, yes, I do feel sadness, because I do believe this individual once tried to believe so very hard and was sincere in that quest. Though she now derides her past, her lasting legacy remains --- her articles can still be accessed all over the place, both online and in print. May God have mercy on her and return her to His way, whether she wants to return or not.